Back in my university days, I lived in the hostel. You shared a room with different people, from different backgrounds, that liked different things, and somehow we were all respectful and considerate of each other’s needs.
You turn down the volume of your radio to accommodate the person that wants to sleep. You go to the reading room to study at night because others want the light off. We all did things recognizing the fact that other people shared that space with us.
Now where am I going with this time travel ?My good friend younger brother ,who has been married for less than one year had a huge fight with his wife recently. Umunna are currently involved. Why? Because according to bros, madam is always on the phone. Madam sometimes, while she is in bed with bros, her ex boyfriends will call, sometimes as late as 10:00 pm. Madam will not only pick up, she will start a full blown late night gist with them.
On that particular day of the fight, bros came back from work, madam did not even greet him, and she was on the phone talking for so long that he had to physically snatch the phone from her.
Madam went ballistic. She was like how dare you! Who are you to tell me who to talk on the phone? I have my right! It is my right! You want to control me. You can’t control me and bla bla! Madam ended up with kitchen knife, and Bros to defend himself, in turn, carried cutlass. Imagine if she killed her husband? For what? One stupid phone call? Her Right ? A stupid ex who did not even find her desirable to marry in the first place?
The purpose of this write up is not to analyze this couple; but to make a point to women. In this above case, could the couple have handled things differently? Maybe yes.
But the main issue here is that this woman in question does not understand the concept of respect in a relationship; she cannot differentiate between control and respect.
Sadly, she is not alone on this crazy mindset. These days, so many Nigerian women confuse and misunderstand this whole equality and Right fight. So many of them go into relationship with unrealistic expectations and mindset. They go into relationships battle ready. You see make even other women around them feel bad, for respecting their man.
These days a man will tell his wife, please honey, this is how I want us to do this thing, and she will turn around and scream my right! Control! So many men cannot even have a conversation with their wives because they are scared, that the ‘my Right’ card will be played. Even when they are not necessary or related to the issue, some women will play the ‘it is my right card’.
Every relationship needs respect. Respect reflects maturity. What a lot of women don’t know is that they can still exercise their right in relationship while respecting the other person.
As a single lady, you can pick up your bag and decide to travel to Ibadan just now. You might not need to even explain yourself to anybody; but once the equation changes to married; well, the thing and truth is that, you can still go to the Ibadan, but in a different way and approach.
And if you are married woman, and does not understand this simple concept , this simple diplomacy, then you don’t have any business being married in the first place.
I don’t care what anybody says, but immediately a person gets married, there are some certain life changes they must make!
You don’t make these changes because you are scared of the other person, but because it’s no longer about you. You are now two people.
You adjust yourself to fit into this new two involved role.
For instance, unless you are dying, or you have an understanding or relationship, there are times you absolutely should not call people, especially when they married. It is not insecurity! It is simple courtesy. It is respect. It is being considerate.
It’s 2:10 am , and here I am , typing this post , with the light on my phone on dim mode. Why? because the person beside me is sleeping. I had to dim the light on my phone to accommodate him. It’s called respect and not fear !
If I want to listen to music now, as my circadian rhythm is messed up after working few night shifts, I will use my headphones, because I don’t want my music to wake him up. Because I am being considerate of him and not afraid of him.
I discharge whoever I am on the phone with whenever my husband comes home after a long day; not because I am afraid of him .But because I want to simply acknowledge his return. To make small talks , to at least ask him how his day was .I do these little things because, that’s exactly how I want to be treated. And that’s the concept of respect.
Just like we women love to be respected , love to pampered, don’t like to be ignored , don’t like to be taken for granted , love to be and feel like the number one in our man’s life; sisters , men crave for the same thing too.
There are certain respects you must accord to whoever you are in a relationship with, it is not control and it is non-negotiable.
Women! It’s ok to fight for your right in a relationship but for goodness sake, don’t do foolish and stupid things and claim right.
Some of you need brain reset and reorientation about this whole equality fight walahi!
Nora oma Patrick.